Ladies, are you new to Paris and desperate to acquire that je ne sais quoi that will make you instantly fit in as a true Parisienne, and have hordes of gorgeous Parisian men falling at your feet?
Quoi? You’ve done your research and you hear there’s an excellent how-to guide called “La Parisienne.” Non, non, non les filles, save your pennies! I have read the tome and can assure you that the way to be a bona fide Parisienne can be pared down to my 5 simple rules. Follow these essential edicts to the letter and you’ll soon be pouting with the best of them.
1. Le fashion
No need to rush out and spend all your new shiny euros on expensive French designer labels. Here’s how to totally Frenchify your wardrobe in 2 quick easy steps.
- Open your wardrobe
- Throw away anything that is not black (charcoal grey is acceptable).
2.Le look – la femme fatale
Whilst not known for their daring in fashion, Parisian women have definitely nailed the sexy-bohemian-intellectual look. Fancy giving it a go yourself? Here’s how. Form a queue, gents.
- Wear all-black ensemble from aforementioned Frenchified wardrobe
- Purchase oversized glasses in black or tortoiseshell frames
- Purchase philosophical book – NB: you do not have to actually read it. It is a prop for when you are alone looking moody, yet sexy and intellectual, in a café. Try and have at least one quote memorized though, in case anyone should ask.
- Wear red lipstick
- Hair is worn long, and in a messy bedhead style (because you have just left the bed of one of your many Latin lovers). NB: Messy buns also work, but you’ll look less approachable.
3. Le diet
Forget anything you’ve read about Parisian women being more disciplined when it comes to food and knowing when to abstain and how not to overdo it. It is all a load of merde. There is one, and only one, reason why les parisiennes are all so skinny. They are all on the same special diet, it is called: smoking. To get the same results, follow these simple steps.
- If you do not already smoke, take up smoking
- If you are already a smoker, smoke more.
- Invest in some strong breath mints
To truly become a Parisienne you must approach relationships the Parisian way. Here’s how:
- Get a French boyfriend
- Break up with him/get him to break up with you (either works)
- Remain friends in some kind of bizarre, frustrating pseudo-friendship which will endanger any future healthy relationships and definitely won’t make you happy. But that’s ok, you have now mastered, the very Parisian, douleur exquise.
The most important of all of the maxims; it’s all about the attitude, cherie. Master this one and no-one will ever ask you where you’re from again.
- Practice looking insouciant and bored
- Make this song your personal mantra: “Je ne veux pas travailler.”
Bonne chance les filles !